just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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