You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize