I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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