Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
