I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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