Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
