Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
