she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
