I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
