Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
