He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
