He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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