It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He did a backflip because drugs
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
