what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
