I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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