Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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