I didn't shave. On purpose
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
