I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
