Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
