The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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