Cold hands, warm shart.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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