You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
