Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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