This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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