Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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