My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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