I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
