cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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