It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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