please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
