i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
