I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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