He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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