Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Green mimosas i think yes
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
