Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
