You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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