Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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