In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he puts the penis in happiness.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
