hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
