umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
