so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We left an ass print on the piano.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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