I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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