I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
