Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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