Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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