I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
