Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
