Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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