i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I think I just sharted jello shots
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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