so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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