why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
