can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
