Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
