I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
