dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Randomize
