The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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