his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
