I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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