I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
