im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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