i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
